alwaysinging4u

Big Girl Shoes

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:07:50 GMT

This one is entirely from my point of view about a guy that actually mattered a lot until about a year ago. This was kind of my final-closure thing.

Smiling at me the very same way
And how dare you not know what you did
I know you never thought so
But you fell in love with a kid

Well drop your smile
Put your hands to your head
As I tell you it's your fault
That little girl is dead

It made you feel so big
Keeping me out so late
Now I'm still as young and cute
But I'm no piece of cake

And I'll scare the hell out of you
Just to watch your face
It strengthens me to watch you hurt
To stomp out that embrace

Now you're little and I'm big
And that might be all I need
But it feels so good to shove you down
As I quickly take the lead

I'll look down at you from the hill
It took so much dirt to create
And I know that this could break you
But we were never fate

I'll walk away in my big girl shoes
I'll pretend I always know what to do
And though you seem so evil, I know it's not true
Because you don't even know what you put me through.

Flowers by the Window

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:59:44 GMT

Flowers by the Window
Have been dead for a while
They sing me a whisper
The story of the Soul
His soul, my soul, Our Soul
The soul that was ever to last
But never to sustain

The people are starting to talk
They tell of the insane widow down the street
She sings to her rotting roses
She sings of loss and longing
Then stoops to smile at the refrain
Crazy woman smiles as she caresses
The flowers that sing her to sleep on the windowsill

My roses droop lower every day
Their soft smell was lost months ago
My poor flowers, stiff and dry with grieving age
Weep their whispers of love and tender trust
The mournful promises deafen me
But I won't throw my flowers away
I can't throw my flowers away

That was also from the character of a middle-age woman. Quite obviously, her husband, love, or whatever... died.

The big wheel

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:53:30 GMT

The big wheel keeps on turning
and everyone dies in the end
But please, for my sake and their love
Hold on a little longer, my friend

You've reached the edge, you're going to fall
Sweat falls from your face and we all look over
Look to our faces, we all need you here
Why did you give her your four-leaf clover

Let us grab your wrist, she's run off
It's us who love you and her who makes you soar
And it's us who will save you from nothing
No matter what happens, I'll give my life for yours

But the big wheel keeps on turning
And everyone dies in the end
Now I see that our love was never enough
To save you, my love, my friend

This one wasn't written from my point of view, either. It's written from the point of view of a middle-age woman whose husband had an affair.

not quite finished... but I like it and I'm not sure when I'll finish it

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:46:23 GMT

We're totally happy- but that's all I'll never want
You're perfect, so we're perfect- but I need mistakes
You'll give me what I ask for and I will do the same
We keep looking for a puppy but I've always liked the snakes

And you really pull off those rose-colored glasses
I'm sure that, to you, I look perfectly happy
But darling, how will you be when the paradise smashes
When I stomp on your glasses and cry how I'm sorry

I'm sorry, I should have realized sooner
That you were never meant to last
I'm done with raising you, sweetheart
And I won't lie- it was never a blast
I know that you love me, that makes it so hard
Just know that it kills me to leave you so scarred

... so yeah, not done yet. I like it, though. It's not written from my viewpoint- I was thinking what it would be like to date someone that's just safe and boring.

poem inspired by a play I saw in London

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:39:42 GMT

Now you are naked
Your eyes bloodshot
Horrified, you realize
You made that plot

We have seen how much pleasure
You took destroying others
The fire burned bright
All you could do was smother

You might think we were cruel
We laughed, we kicked, we mocked
But in the end, all evil was yours
Intentions uncovered, secrets unlocked

Silly man, you should have known
That when you break someone- bone to bone
They might consent and cease to fight
But they will never love. They'll be cold as stone

Now you are naked
We all know who you are
We throw you out carelessly
We take no notice of scars

chapter one of sola

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:04:30 GMT

The playground was filled with children. Chasing each other, teasing each other, sitting in time-out. Sola and Sole didn’t notice. They never noticed. Only each other. The two had met at the beginning of the year and had been inseparable ever since. The teachers loved to watch those two play together. Such calm and well-behaved children. Quiet and respectful in the classroom. They didn’t play in the sand, they just sat in the field and talked. Such sweet children.
Such opposites, though. Sola had golden hair and eyes. Even her skin was golden. Such a lovely little girl. Very sweet. She did ask too many questions some of the time, but the teachers loved curious children. Her eyes seemed to twinkle at the prospect of learning. She was never in trouble and she loved to read.
Sole was quite sweet to, though the best thing about him was how quiet and thoughtful he was. Thoughtful children seem so rare. Such a straight face, too. The only person in the whole school that could get any emotion out of him whatsoever was Sola. His appearance was quite the opposite of hers. He had ebony black hair and pale skin with light green eyes. What an odd and dear little boy.
They were always together, maybe even childhood sweethearts. Such similar names, too, which was quite odd as it was just a coincidence, but they supposed it was simply a perfect match. Oh how sweet.
They were very caring of each other. The only time they had ever gotten into trouble was when one little boy, Derek had pushed Sola down on the playground. Sole , enraged had jumped on Derek with Sola behind him telling him she was fine, not to worry, and to please leave Derek alone or else he would get in trouble. By the time the teachers had gotten to where the circle of children Derek was apologizing to Sola and then he ran away.
The principal wasn’t quite sure what to do with these two. Sole sat quietly in his chair looking at the floor. Sola fixed the principal with her eyes very wide and pleading. “Please don’t send Sole home, Ms. Harper, please don’t. He thought that Derek was trying to hurt me. He was only trying to help. Please don’t send him home.” The principal then told Sola that she couldn’t send him home, because his foster mother was at work and wasn’t able to come get him. Ms Harper knew, however that she wouldn’t have been able to send him home anyway, not after being fixed with those golden eyes.

Such lovely children. Playing innocently on the field.

“They’re watching us again,” said Sole, grudgingly.
“They think we’re cute,” added Sola disapprovingly. They were sitting across from each other trying to decide what they would talk about today. So many things. They had had a very interesting discussion the day before, and couldn’t decide whether they should attempt to finish it. Sole didn’t like to talk about death. They both knew that it was a good thing didn’t know what they usually talked about.
No one was allowed to talk about death. The teachers just shushed them. They weren’t supposed to talk about anything sad, a rule which they both thought of as ridiculous.
“What do you want to talk about?” asked Sola. She wouldn’t bring up their previous discussion.
“I don’t know.” He didn’t need to talk, especially about that. He just needed to be with Sola. They belonged together.
“Me either.” She fixed his hat, it was crooked. He smiled. She was so funny, always taking care of him. He looked up.
Actually, he did know what he wanted to talk about. "You know Tommy has a crush on you.” He couldn’t help but look angry. Everyone kept trying to take his friend away.
“Well I know that Tommy picks his nose,” she said somewhat primly. “I wouldn’t be able to hold hands with him.”
“But if he didn’t pick his nose, would you hold his hand then?” He looked up at her through his bangs.
She pushed his bangs out of his face. “No. There must be all sorts of gross stuff on his hands other than boogers…” she knew she was avoiding the question.
He opened his mouth to insist that she answer, but she, smiling, interrupted him.
“Don’t be silly, Sole. You’re the only person I like to be with. You know that.”
“Yeah, I know,” he said, trying to sound gruff. He exhaled in relief, anyway. She didn’t miss a thing. He always tried to be tough about things but they both knew better. An awkward silence spread between them.
“Hey guess what?” Sola asked. He looked up. She crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue. He looked down again, hiding his smile.
“You’re such a goof.”
“And you’re a grouch,” she chided, unaffected. He stared at the ground. She smiled at him.
“Hey guess what.” He looked at her again, expecting another funny face. Instead he felt his hat being swiped off of his head. She stood up.
“Come catch me.” She turned around and started to run. Smiling, he got up as well and began to run after her.

The teachers watched them with smiles on their faces. How adorable.

“C’mon!” She laughed delightedly, seeing that he had decided to play along. She ran over the pavement. “I’ve got your hat!”
He laughed quietly too. He would catch her. He ran toward the pavement—too quickly. He slipped. At first she didn’t notice.
“C’mon, slowpoke!” She looked back and saw him sitting on the ground looking at his knee. She ran to him.
“Sole! Are you okay.” She skidded to a stop next to him.
“I’m fine, I fell on my knee,” he said, angry with himself.

The teachers noticed something was wrong. They began to rush over.

“Let me see it,” she told him.
“No, I’m fine.”
“No you’re not, you’re bleeding!”
“I’m fine, Sola.” She jerked his pants leg up. A typical scraped knee looked scary to eight-year-old Sola.
“It’s okay, Sole, I’ll make it better.”
“Don’t touch it!”
“It’s okay, just hold on.” She placed her hands in a circle around his knee-cap. Sole felt his knee tingle and then feel very cold. He looked at her, terrified. She looked at him and saw the scared look on his face. Oh no. They looked at each other.
“I’m sorry” they both said at the same time. What? They looked at each other, confused. Then the teachers finally got there.
“Are you okay, Sole?” Mrs. Harper looked down at him, concerned.
“Let’s see that knee, son,” said Mr. Lee. He bent over Sole. The skin was bright red, but other than that, unharmed.
“What?” said Mr. Lee. “How did blood get on your jeans, son?”
“Umm,” Sole said, still staring at Sola, who never looked away, “It’s just a stain, sir.”
The teachers stood up, shaking their heads. Kids. They went back to the tables to talk some more.
Sole slowly got back to his feet, watching Sola carefully.
“Let me see it,” he told her.
“See what?” she said stubbornly, holding her hand over her knee. He watched her, biting his lip.
“Move your hand.”
“Umm, Sole, it’s time to go to class.” She tried to grin.
“No,” he said fiercely, “let me see your knee.” She didn’t like the change that had come over him. She moved her hand to expose a new dark red stain on her pants leg, on the same knee that Sole had fell on.
He looked at it. No, he couldn’t have… he wasn’t even trying to, he… it was his fault. He closed his eyes and ran away from her, how could he have hurt Sola?
“Sole!” She watched him as he ran away from her. She had scared him. He was her only friend and she had scared him.
“Sole!” He never looked back.

Quotes that I like and have either written or altered.

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 00:26:06 GMT

Do what you can while you can, it all may end in a second.

Live like you were dying, but now you are free from the human weakness of it.

Lock me in my haven, and therefore set me free.

I will dance when I want to dance and I will sing when I want to sing. And if you don't try to make me act happy when I am not, I might even smile when I feel joy.

Live like you are dying. Because you are.

peter pan... new lyrics..?

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 16:56:15 GMT

to the tune of the bridge in patty griffin's peter pan:

It's just not right for me
To sleep in fairy trees
I have so much to face
In my world of reality

Flying was so safe
It's time to float my way down
I'll gaze at you, my boy
From my old prison on the ground

You'll find another girl
To amuse and adore you
And then the time will come
She'll fall and leave you too

Smile down at me
From your star to the right
Pause to take my thimble
I promise I won't cry

...? eh?

My Tears

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 05:03:17 GMT

I wonder
How many
Tears
How many tears have I cried
What do they all amount to
Anything
Something
Gallons
A pond
Could I float
In my tears
Soak
Could I bathe
In my
Tears
Could my tears
Really cleanse
Me
Could I swim
Move gracefully
And create light wrinkles
In my
Tears
Could I be
Beautiful
In my
Tears
I could
Do arching and graceful
Flips
In my tears
I could cry more
And smile at the same time
In
My
Tears
I
Can
Drown

Your Smile

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 04:47:04 GMT

Your Smile
Can’t save me anymore
It doesn’t matter any more
Nothing does
Your smile doesn’t save me any more
Nothing can
And nothing does

Ian Ridley And The Doctor

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 23:36:25 GMT

The doctor stepped out of the tardis and into the elevator. It was already on its way to four. The Tardis knew where he wanted to go. The Tardis had always known. She would always take him where he needed to go.
The elevator opened. Smiling, he let his bangs fall forward over his face as he remembered his first time here. He stepped out. He looked down the hall to his left. Her door. He went to it and chuckled. He loved her door, the insistant messages on it, the somewhat questionable content.
He turned and walked down the hall the other way, watching his own feet as he went. He told her he would come back, but why did he? He shouldn’t have, he never did with the others. He hadn’t meant to come. The Tardis had intervened, the know-it-all. But now that he was here, he couldn’t leave, he was being drawn and he hated himself for it.

He had made a promise to protect them. The last ended so badly and he had never wanted to hurt them. He couldn’t ruin this one, he couldn’t risk it with her. He couldn’t lose her, he needed her safe, he needed her away from him. But right now all he needed was her.
He knew right were she would be. He walked to the doorway and peeked in the room. There she was. He wanted to run away right at that moment, but there was no way his body would allow that. Speaking wasn’t even an option. He came into the room.
She couldn’t hear him, but she sensed him. She closed her eyes tight and bit her lip. She couldn’t even count how many times she had sensed him only to find that she was alone. Was this another one of those times? Finally, she heard the footsteps.
He stopped when he was right next to her. Looking down at her on the couch. Her eyes were closed. Did she want to see him?
She felt him so close to her. Was he really there? She opened her eyes slowly, looking at the floor. She caught him at the corner of her eye. So slowly she turned her head.
He kept looking at her, he couldn’t do anything else. She was turning to face him, what did she think? Was she mad? What was she going to say?
She finally looked at him. She couldn’t help the smile spreading on her face, though she knew it probably looked ridiculous. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing would come out.
He watched her. Was that?...yes, she was smiling. He almost laughed with relief but she opened her mouth, and he didn’t want to miss anything, so he kept quiet. She shut it again. What was she going to say?

She was grinning and she knew it. Finally her vocal chords decided to cooperate.
“Hi.”
He loved her. “Hi.” He walked around the couch and sat down. He didn’t know what she was watching, but he did find it mildly interesting for a few seconds.
She wathced him now. She became so nervous. She needed to know, but could she ask? Was she able to? “You’re leaving soon, aren’t you?”
He loved her. Did he have to leave her? Yes, he had to leave her. This was so wrong, he couldn’t be here. Could he stay? Could he take her with him? But, no, he would never let his feelings or lonely whims endanger anyone else, especially her. “Yes, only a matter of minutes before the next invasion.”
She nodded, she had known the answer. What should they do with their time? They could do things that lovers do like walk at night holding hands and talk about moonlight. But she had never wanted to simply do what lovers do, and she knew he would never expect that of her. So what should they do?
He stared blanky at the screen. What should they do with precious time? Most females would want to do things such as moonlit walks, holding hands, and getting lost in eachothers eyes. But that was not for him. And he knew she would never want that from him.

Then they both realized that all they needed to do was sit in eachothers company. He looked at her. She had never stopped looking at him. Their eyes met. She was entranced and terrified at the same time. He was scared of himself. He didn’t think he could trust himself with Ian.
He turned from the screen. He knew that she would recognize the expression on his face and she would worry. He didn’t deserve her worry.
She watched him, loving him so much that even she had to show it soon. She loved everything about him. She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair.
It surprised him, but he knew if he jumped she would feel the need to apologize, and he never wanted her to apologize for anything she could give him. He could see their reflection in the window. She looked timid, but enthralled. He closed his eyes, immersing himself completely in this moment before he had to leave again.

His hair was so beautiful. She watched the way it looked like it flowed through her fingers. She bit her lip again, not believing she had really done it. Not believing she had the nerve. In the reflection in the window, she saw that his eyes were closed. She saw his expression of contenment and almost melted into the couch. She had made him content? The doctor, who was never content with saving the world every time it needed saving, was content just to have Ian Ridley running her fingers through his hair?
He snapped out of it when he heard the Tardis calling him. Yes, he had been right, only a matter of seconds.
She saw his eyes snap open and knew what it meant instantly. But she refused to acknoweledge it. He needed to stay with her.
He knew she knew that he had to leave. He felt her tense, but determinedly keep playing with his hair. She needed to stay with him. He opened his mouth to ask her to come with him and then realized what he was about to do. He stood up quickly.
She looked at him. She needed to be with him. Everything seemed to freeze when she said, “Take me with you.”
He smiled at that. He had never wanted anyone more as a companian than this wonderful human in front of him. He had told her he couldn’t, but he knew that was what she had always wanted. He hated denying her anything. But if it meant keeping her alive, he would deny her everything if he had to. He knew she was strong, but the strongest and most brilliant f people get killed just like any one else in the end. He loved her so much. He looked at her, and hated that she was willing to become vulnerable in front of him. He hated that he took down her protection only to hurt her. “I’m sorry.” He slowly began walking.

She wanted to follow him, to yell, to tell him how stupid he was. But she knew that no matter what she did or how she reacted to this, he would never consider putting another person in danger again. Not after last time.
He left her. The room. He left her sitting there and knew she was about to explode. But he knew that she knew that he couldn’t let any thing else happen. He kept walking. He stopped in front of the elevator.
Closing her mouth in regret of not saying anything, she pulled her legs up onto the couch, and she hugged herself. Why did her leave her like this? When would he stop?
He closed his eyes and imagined her sitting in that room, hating him. Why did he leave her like this?
She stared into space. He didn’t know it, but next time he came, she was going with him and there was no
questioning that.

He opened his eyes as the elevator opened. Inside was a young girl staring open-mouthed at the Tardis. That know-it-all Tardis should’ve picked a better parking spot. The girl then noticed there was someone at the elevator entrance. She looked over, obviously planning to share her discovery, and then saw him. Well, oh well, what can you do. “Hello.” He said cheerily. He walked toward the Tardis and opened the door. The girl stepped back and therefore out of the elevator, her eyes so wide he was almost worried they might pop out. “See you ‘round!” he grinned. The elevator door began shutting. The girl all the sudden snapped out her trance. He heard her yell, “IAN!”
He smiled, then wondered how Ian was going to comfort this young human. He laughed at envisioning it. He’d ask her next time he came. He knew now that he was coming back again.

Yours

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 15:31:37 GMT

I kneeled in front of your worship place.
Proud to be Yours. Always. Amen.

But never.
truly yours?
lamb?

What am I but an admirer waiting all life to hope in being carried from a world

But what if not

What will i be then
What will you be
What are you now?

Father?

Brother?

…dictator?...

Trained from birth.
Blessed with eternal love.
Taught what to know, believe.
To be

to be
not me
the others
not me

where is me
where have i gone
where is me hiding

your church?

locked
confused
dark

in a metal cabinet

a file

me
your file
not mine

your life
not mine

my life?
given to you
freely

and yet taken
by force

without knowing

given
to you
and for you

I want it back